NSFW: Plastic Jesus is a tit man.

Sam's right. Jesus was a tit man...

(click for a bigger version...)

Sometimes, the only appropriate thing to do is blaspheme.


Does this make up for the fact that my site was down (server maintenance) for several hours yesterday?  I hope so.

Eros: candle shadows

For you new readers, whenever I have a post with "Eros" in the beginning of the title, that means I am about to talk about Sex.

S.E.X.

I hope you don't mind. If you do, (I.E., if you happen to be our parents, or just don't like hearing about sexcapades) feel free to skip this post.

Flimsy and were in the bathtub. In the dark, a single candle cast shadows on the wall. Water steamed up from the tub as we chatted. While we chatted, I ran my hands up and down his chest, or leaned over and deftly sucked his cock.

This is loads of fun for me, as he typically cannot concentrate on whatever he was saying, so his end of the conversation dissolves into squeaks or moans. Like so, "So anyway, I was thinking that we need to start going toaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......................"

I got out of the tub, dried off, and handed him the towel. He stood and began to dry off, still erect.

Bending over and placing my hands on the edge of the tub, I continued sucking.

During a pause he said, "Wow, that's really hot."

"What?" I said, looking up.

He motioned to the wall. "our shadows."

I turned, and saw that my body was sharply silhouetted on the wall. I grinned and continued.

Amused, we finished drying and I grabbed the candle, taking it to the bedroom.

There, on the wall, was my shadow again. I stood on the bed and danced a slow, sexy dance, moving my hips. He approached, but stood closer to the candle - as such, his cock looked about as big as my head.

We played around with this for about ten minutes, me commenting on his massive size, he pretending to force his giant shadow-cock down my throat, me pretending to jack his shadow off using both hands.

We were quite amused with ourselves.

The Beautiful Kind vs. Jehovah's Witnesses

This is a blog post by my fellow blogger (who is a sex-positive kinkster) The Beautiful Kind. Her moniker is, "Be open and honest. Don't be ashamed of your inner pervert. Work the kinks OUT." She was recently visited by some Jehovah's Witnesses, and she blogs about her experience here:

The other day I was sitting around enjoying my lady of leisure status when the doorbell rang. I was wearing clothes for a change, so I answered it.

As soon as I did I thought, "Oh here we go again!"

I have a rule that if a religious person ever seeks me out to talk about their religion, I gladly take them up on the offer. I have an open mind, and love hearing what they have to say. I have to admit it is incredibly amusing. I feel like a cat batting around a mouse. I'm not mean or snide at all about it, in fact I pretty much act delighted with everything they say. And I ask them A LOT of questions.

The two at my door were Jehovah's Witness, a black matronly woman and an Asian middle aged woman. The black woman was in charge. She introduced herself and told me she wanted to talk to me about some amazing things - Jesus was alive and there would be no more suffering in this world. People would come back to life, and we would return to the state of Eden.

This was all pretty incredible, so I responded appropriately. "REALLY! Oh my gosh, that is AMAZING! I know Jesus just had his Easter party didn't he? So he keeps coming back to life right?"

"Well he's in heaven now," she explained.

"And I'm ALL about reducing suffering in the world. That's why I'm vegetarian - it's humane, and we were vegan in Eden, did you know that?"

"Yes, that's right," they said.

"You should be vegetarian, it's really good for you. Factory farming is a cruel industry, you know. I refuse to support something like that." It seemed only fair that if they were going to push their agenda, I would plug mine as well.

They nodded and smiled politely.

"But back to what you said about how people can come back to life - that is awesome! I've never heard that before. I always thought death was final. Doctors should know about this - they could really use the information! I'm so glad you are spreading the word!"

They asked if I'd like to do bible study with them. I said SURE! I'd love to learn all about the bible. I asked them to come back at 11 the next day.

The next morning I finished my porn review, masturbated, then got dressed for bible study. It was so cool they were coming to me, and bringing me a bible and everything.

They asked me which section of the study guide I'd like to know about. I picked the one about Spirit Creatures.

This time the black woman brought her adult daughter with her in lieu of the Asian woman. They sat on the couch and asked me to read parts of the study guide and bible to them. I LOVE reading out loud, so I was glad to do so. The problem was, everything I read MADE NO FUCKING SENSE.

Here is an example: "Angels are sons of god. God created ten thousand times tens of thousands angels through his firstborn son."

So I asked questions.

"Wait, so angels are boys? I thought they were girls. How come all the angels depicted are beautiful women?"

They said those were artist interpretations.

"And is Jesus an angel?"

"Yes."

"So god created heaven, then Jesus, and then Jesus created all the angels?"

"Yes."

"So where are the angels?"

"They are invisible, and up in heaven."

"Why are they up in heaven?"

"So they can do god's bidding. They are his army."

"OH so Jesus is like the sergeant, and then other angels are soldiers?"

"Yes they have different ranks - sherubs and cherubs - "

"Cherubs are those fat little baby angels, right? Oh but wait they are invisible. So does god really tell them all what to do? I mean how can he keep track of all of them? Don't they get bored hanging around heaven waiting for orders? I mean what is there to DO in heaven anyway? It's not like they have ditches to dig or anything."

They tried to get me back on track, but the whole thing was so confusing. We only made it a page into the study guide, cuz every sentence required clarification. I never even got to the evil demon part of spirit creatures. I wanted to ask them how they KNEW which spirits were good and bad, cuz if they were invisible, couldn't a bad spirit just SAY he was a good guy?

Finally they suggested that we try starting at the beginning for our next lesson ("What is the Truth About God?") That might answer all the questions I was having about god. I was agreeable.

They told me I had a lot of great questions, which was nice of them. Unfortunately they didn't have a lot of great answers. :(

But that's OK, we'll give it another go. In fact, I plan on meeting with them as many times as they want before they finally give up.

In the meantime, I better hide my bible from Beast...  (link to http://www.thebeautifulkind.com/2008/11/19/three-days-solo-in-a-hotel-room/ )

Eros: too gross for most

(This blog post contains potentially icky sexual information, you have been warned!)

The other day Flimsy and I came home. He was starving, so he set about to heat a can of soup up on the stove. I don't really know why he prefers the stove to the microwave, but he does. As he stood leaning against the sink eating his soup directly from the saucepan, I asked:

"Hey, I want to take a bath. Sex first, or bath first?"

He looked at me, stuck another spoonful of soup in his mouth, and said,

"Sex."

 At the time, I was sitting on the floor in front of him, looking up. I'm one of those people who tends to actually act on odd ideas (seriously, ask anyone who knows me), and right then,  I had an idea.

I undid his pants and started kissing his hip bones right there as he grabbed another mouthful of soup. He looked down at me, raised one eyebrow, put the spoon in the saucepan, and grabbed my hair.

...

...

Five minutes later I reached up, pulled the saucepan down to me, and spit out a mouthful of cum in his soup.

He looked at it and said...

"Of course you'd do that."

 ...and then kept right on eating.

(Eros) Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you . . .

A scrawny bastard mouthing off about religion and politics.

I am Flimsyman, and those of you familiar with me will know that I am Ziztur's significant other, that I was raised in a fundamentalist Southern Baptist home, and that I came to doubt Christianity and the Bible (eventually admitting to myself that I'm an atheist) by reading the Bible.

I'm the guy tackling alternate chunks of Ray Comfort's new book with Ziztur, and I'll be occasionally posting here. We have very interesting alternate approaches to religion; she was raised in a rather secular home, and has immense knowledge and education in the realm of science. With my religious background, I often approach religion and morality from a perspective of questioning the Bible directly. Together, we are like atheistic Wonder Twins, except that we aren't related and we have sex (at least, I hope we differ from the Wonder Twins in that regard, at least concerning the monkey). Godless blasphemy powers activate!

(Linky to info for non-comic geeks.)

One of the best primers on my strange view of the world would be my own alternative interpretation of the Bible, which I've already posted here. As this is still Ziztur's blog, I'm going to make a conscious effort to not stray too far outside of the topics that she has set.

Except, of course, for my own little Song of Solomon; dear readers, let us pause here to sing the praises of Ziztur's posterior.

O supple graceful flesh, O awesome hills and cave,

Only for such lust, gluttony will I stave.

To gently pry agape, my eager tongue explore,

To taste the sweaty tang of the one that I adore.

Not to stab in malice, not in hatred that I shove,

It is that I impale you to demonstrate my love.

And so I stroke inside you, with finger, tongue and prick,

Even after seed deposits, I will not fail to lick.

So as your rectum stretches, as I grasp those curving mounds,

I look not towards the sky; true heaven have I found.

. . . *bows*

butts

So I asked Flimsy what I should write about this morning, and he firmly replied,

"You should write about your butt."

Well shit. Since I am a woman, I am obviously forced to submit to my man like any good girl and do as he says. So, onward.

I find it funny that in the Bible, there are lots of passages that basically treat a woman's virginity like some type of currency - the value of a woman (as in, how many goats and shillings you can sell her for to a man if you're her father) lies entirely on whether or not she is a virgin, and if her father sells her to a man and she has misrepresented her virginity, she brings disgrace to her family because she was dishonest and destroyed her value as a bride worth selling.

The Bible mentioned lots of different types of sex you should not have - no sex with family, animals, married people. It says nothing about sex outside from marriage except to say that a woman is worth less money to a man if she isn't one. (Deuterotomy 22:13-21 and Exodus 22:16). Yup, the Bible isn't sexist at all, is it?

So according to this website, anal sex is in accordance with God's will, and anal sex is a perfect way to protect the monetary value of women but allowing them to keep their "virginity" until marriage. I guess this is like buying a new refrigerator, using only the freezer portion of it for years, and then selling it to your neighbor as "new", except that the fridge also consented to this. I mean really, what's the difference? The anal-sex-is-good site goes on to say:

There is no greater gift that a bride can give than to offer her pure, unsullied maidenhead to her husband on their wedding night.

 Yes, yes there is. My maidenhood is not sullied by practicing sex before marriage. If I am an experienced sexual partner, I know my wants and needs. If my partner and I have sex before marriage, it tell us a great deal about our sexual compatibility.

Fortunately, you can engage in anal sex prior to marriage and still be able to share the deeper, more meaningful act of consecrated love through vaginal intercourse with your wedded spouse.

 Oh I see. So if Flimsy and I get married, our sex is less meaningful because I wasn't a virgin before he and I met and because I'd looked someone else in the eye while fucking? I think he'd beg to differ. Plus, how come guys don't have to be virgins? Where is the talk of a husband offering his pure, unsullied bachelorhood to his wife on their wedding night?

Eros: urine, boogers and farts

If post titles begin with "Eros", you can be assured they contain sexual content!

Flimsy and I think personal boundaries are pointless, and so we strive to make sure we have none: case in point:

1. We've watched each other masturbate. (frequently)
2. We've farted on each other (frequently)
3. We've tasted each other's boogers.
4. Once I let him blow his nose on my chest.
5. We've both rimmed (frequently)
6. We've smelled each others' stinky feet.
7. Kissing after oral sex/rimming (frequently)
8. We've chewed each others' nails.


We've been talking about peeing on each other for quite a bit, so the other day we were about to bathe and I had to pee. Flimsy laid in the tub and I stood over him with my feet on the rim of the tub and peed all over his chest. Then we switched, and while urine dripped from him, he aimed and peed all over my chest. It was warm.

We laughed, rinsed off, rinsed the tub, and took a bath together.

In some says, I don't understand why other people get squeamish thinking about doing these things. It's your body. It's your lover's or your "soulmate's" body. Parts of it aren't icky. I mean, we have an evolved response to be alerted by movements in our peripheral vision at night, but why do we think other people's bodies are gross? I'm thinking it has to do with the fact that our less scientific ancestors lived shorter lives due to disease, disease is passed from human to human (and from human to animal, like smallpox) and so surviving humans were humans that had less contact with disease-passing goo like urine and boogers.

Madonna of Orgasm Church

Flimsy and I should absolutely perform a Faith Infiltration on this church:

The Madonna of Orgasm Church (Orgasmens Madonnas kyrka) took an important step toward official recognition in Sweden last week when a court ruled it had the right to be registered as a faith community.

Originally, the Legal, Financial and Administrative Services Agency (Kammarkollegiet) had refused the church’s registration application on the grounds that its name may offend Christians.

But the church’s founder, artist Carlos Bebeacua from Lövestad in southern Sweden, won his appeal to the county administrative court.

If the agency does not appeal the court’s decision within three weeks, then it must process Bebeacua’s application to register the church, which he founded in the early 1990s.

According to the Skånska Dagbladet newspaper, the idea for the church came to Bebeacua, who is the church’s self-appointed cardinal, after a painting of his entitled 'The Madonna of Orgasm' sparked protests requiring police action during the 1992 World’s Fair in Seville, Spain.

“The orgasm is God, the orgasm should be worshiped,” Bebeacua told the Kvällsposten newspaper.

“The orgasm is the ultimate feeling of lust, it shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation. You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking ‘Wow!’”

According to Bebeacua, the church has a few hundred followers, and he hopes that registering the Madonna of Orgasm Church will get more people to consider the orgasm as God.

The church only has priestesses and its scriptures are called the Catechism of the Orgasm. The only gospel peached is the gospel of sex.

“It’s so we do what we know is right and good,” Bebeacua told Kvällsposten.

During ceremonies, the priestesses read verses and eat fruit and drink juice. Sex isn’t the focus, but it’s not forbidden either.

“It’s never happened. I don’t know how we’d react if it happened,” said Bebeacua.

He deflects allegations that his church is all about orgies and sex, claiming its purpose is to help people see orgasms as a metaphor for a love of life.

“There’s nothing dangerous in what we say, we’re harmless. It’s just that we have our doubts about established religions,” he told the TT news agency

 Obviously I don't think the orgasm is god, but I like that this church recognizes the fundamental spirituality of sex.

I know a few people in this world who think they are somehow "above" sex. They think that sex is some kind of animalistic instinct they have risen up above, and so they are better people for not wanting or needing or partaking in sex. I'm not making a blanket statement about people who are Asexual, I completely understand asexuality - someone who does not experience sexual attraction or desire for sex - but I do not understand explaining or justifying asexuality in terms of having risen above or being too good for sex. If you don't like sex, that's perfectly fine, and I totally get it. My friend The Alien is Asexual, and I find myself defending her all the time - I don't get why people care so much that she doesn't want sex. Pretending you've evolved above sex, and thinking that you are better than the sexual people around you because you don't need sex - I don't get that.

Sexuality, to me, is fundamentally spiritual. It's also an expression of ubuntu. I know sex may seem like a basic instinctual function, and they may think that rising above one's own instincts is a way to be a more evolved person, but I think that recognizing that sex is instinctual and thus embracing it as part of being human is being much more true to oneself. I'm not talking about raping and being unsafe, I am talking about accepting one's own innate sexual drives as being healthy.  Obviously, there is a point when sexual drives can be unhealthy - say, if you endanger yourself or infringe upon the rights of others. Sexual instincts themselves are not unhealthy. They don't prevent people from attaining spiritual fulfillment or enlightenment. On the contrary, I think healthy sex can be used to obtain spiritual fulfillment.

Sex to me is more about trust and intensity of knowing than anything else. It is about letting go of walls and fears. Of course, it's also about pleasure - being able to pleasure someone else, having someone else give you pleasure, and experiencing mutual pleasure.

Our society, especially the religious half of it, has this idea that denying yourself pleasure is somehow a good thing. Do religious people really think they can know god intimately without knowing another human intimately first? To me, it seems like breaking down the walls between other human beings is the first step in breaking down the walls between yourself and some universal transcendent entity.

In addition to the population of people who think they have risen above sex, there is a population of people who society somehow thinks are below sex. Why is it that society thinks people with disabilities are somehow innately asexual or that they don't need or want sex? Why is it that able-bodied society thinks people with disabilities are "being exploited" when they engage in sex or internet pornography? It absolutely blows my mind that I even have to bring this up - people with disabilities are people, and as such they have the same sexual drive as anyone else. If you think people with disabilities don't desire sex and are incapable of making their own descitions with regard to sex, that says a lot more about your perception of people with disabilities than it says about the people themselves.

Eros: kneecap oral

Warning: This post contains sexual overtones.

We're being slothful in bed, and it's midnight.

He sheds his clothes and slides under the quilt.I put aside my book, my clothes, and my glasses. I pick up two corners of the quilt and fling them up in the air. For a split second, there is space for me to dive under. I do so, and the quilt settles down on my bare skin.

His head is not under the quilt, so he can't see what I am doing. I rustle around, and then lick his shin. He lets out a little moan.

I move up and lick his kneecap. He moans again. So I continue - first licking, then kissing, then sucking in his skin, and taking his patella in my mouth - I'm pleasuring his kneecap orally. He is making the same noises as when I suck on his fingers. I know this is absurd, and that's the point.

After a few minutes, he stops making noises for a second. I can almost hear him processing. It hits him: he has an erection because I am lovingly pleasuring his knee.

He bursts into laughter.

Eros: In the Park

Warning: This post contains sexual overtones.

It was a dark, cool night. The moisture from the grass coated our glowing Frisbee as we flung it back and forth, barely able to see each other through the darkness. I could make out his silhouette as headlights from the road several hundred yards away steadily passed. In the darkness, our yells of dismay and encouragement pierced the night as the Frisbee passed between us. Its gentle glow was bright enough in the park to cause temporary blindness if we looked directly at it.

A particularly short throw caused the Frisbee to land neatly in the wet grass directly between us. We both approached and embraced each other. His back glistened with sweat, so I playfully groped his chest and back.

My dog was with us and wearing a lighted collar, so we took turns chucking a ball out into the field. Each time, we would watch a red line bob away, search for the ball, and then bob back, with a corresponding fade and return of happy pants. Aside from the dog and the steady procession of headlights in the distance, we were alone. I switched off the Frisbee.

He wrapped his arms around me from behind and said, “I love you” then leaned down to kiss me. I chucked another ball for the dog, and then turned back and pulled him roughly to the ground.

The heat from his body and the moisture from the grass fogged my glasses. I straddled him, used my legs to pin his arms down, and grabbed his hair. Leaning down, I bit his earlobe, the grass tickling my face. He let out a stifled groan. I continue, biting his ears, kissing his face, his lips, the corners of his nose.

He doesn’t wear underwear. He pokes me. The moist earth wets the knees of my jeans. Headlights flicker through the trees.

I kiss his hips and undo the button of his jeans. He audibly slides down the zipper. I remember a story he told me about how once he went camping, and instead of sleeping, decided to sit on a bench and enjoy the night. He observed a young couple off in the distance – the girl on her knees, the guy grabbing her hair. I want to recreate that for him, but this time he is an active participant instead of a silent observer.

I cover his mouth as he climaxes.